我在對面坐下,從目光交錯之餘品嚐他眼角眉梢的滋味。他把疏離親密的遠近揮舞得恰到好處,像是鑽縫的獸,伺機而食我心跳總要遺漏的那幾拍。
 
心虛了,我低頭從包包裡翻出煙盒,先遞給他一支。
「這裡禁止吸煙」他搖搖頭。
 
我倒轉手把煙放進嘴巴裡,點燃,然後又拿出來放在桌沿。沒有人講話的安靜裡,他的存在像沉緩的重低音讓人無法忽視。我在這樣若有似無的壓力下無意識唱唸起王菲軟語 --  相聚離開,都有時候,沒有什麼會永垂不朽。
 
我已經知道了,我跟他再不會有比此刻更接近的距離。
淡然。盡量表現一副垂眉入定高僧。天知道我要的纏綿在心裡把他綁了好幾圈。現在只能刻意保持了太遠,怕一旦觸碰就成為褻瀆
 
 
他突然開口說要唸一段monologue給我聽,他說因為他看出我坐在這裡好像很無滅無痕,但是我其實根本是「太悲傷,自以為看破紅塵卻只是被紅塵反綁」
 
"Now, it is waiting, and nobody cares. And when your wait is over, this room will still exist, and it will continue to hold shoes, and dresses, and boxes. And maybe someday, another waiting person. And maybe not. The room doesn't care either.

Walk... What was once before you, an exciting mysterious future is now behind you; lived, understood, disappointing. You realize you are not special. You have struggled into existence, and are now slipping silently out of it.

This is everyone's experience, every single one--the specifics hardly matter. Everyone is everyone. "
 
 
我還沒聽完就蜷縮成泡泡升空破掉了。我懂我懂,我懂Charlie Kaufman,這不是看破,這是對絕望的沉溺。
 
他似乎對能夠捉弄到我感到很得意,一邊看著我頹靡的模樣,一邊俯身把桌上的菸拿到指縫間,嘴巴促狹地笑。
 
我突然想到之前我把所有他寄來的信件整理到一個資料夾裡,標記為"when the day is done"。
一開始就沒結果,就算他聽懂我的每句話,存心要我和他纏綿,卻一開始就成絕望的局勢。今天結束了以後,「你是我一場好夢,明天一切好說」,
 
 
 
 
 
使我悲傷。
 
 
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