pRaEsEpe

我每天最期待的事是睡覺，最討厭醒來。我厭惡醒來。醒來那一瞬間吸入現實生活的氣味，讓人作噁。困擾的是睡覺不是想睡就能睡的，整天昏沉，大多時候在工作桌上打盹，躺上床真正有個好覺卻還是得碰運氣。另外我常常作惡夢，昨晚夢到世人能從我的眼界看見地獄，然後在一片煉火之中滿身冷汗驚醒。

具一切功德，慈眼視眾生。

維持一貫的姿勢在沙發上斜躺，HBO正在演Stoker，忍不住又看了一遍。其實我記得每一段情節，每個故事轉折點，飽滿的定格畫面和三個主角之間流竄的猜想不安，但就還是很想再看一次，尤其是最後安靜的草地，小女孩終於找到自己的結尾。有些電影就是這樣，說不上多好看，但看過一遍就忘不了。

身體因素，我渡過非常漫長的三個月，依舊看不到出口。這段其間我更加厭惡已經厭惡的人事物，然後發覺自己的不可愛，這樣憎恨旁人又不愛自己。What have I gained? What did I lose? What do I really want? 突然有點羨慕Stoker的小女孩，至少她確定她血液的慾望，她十八歲，她是自由的。

"My ears hear what others cannot hear; small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruits of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be. Only once you realize this do you become free, and to become adult is to become free."